My blogger friend Enrico, of Hotel Tuesday, ran a Project Runway inspired competition for his classmates at The College of New Jersey during the past school year. For the summer he decided to turn the tables on his friends, and have the former TCNJ contestants become the judges. The new “season” is called Project Runway: JNCT.
The goal of the contest is to design clothing and accessories for Barbie dolls based on a theme. When Enrico first asked me to participate I was hesitant about the idea because I was intimidated by the creativity and skill exhibited in the prior season. Even so, it seemed like a fun idea. I knew it would be an interesting challenge, so I decided to go for it.
I was never one of those boys who played with Barbies and I am far from a fashonista. Designing clothing is harder than I thought it would be. I gave it my best shot. One of the sub-themes in the competition is to include a photo of the contestants “designing in their boxers”. Knowing that the Puntabulous renowned underwear model, Dave S. was competing, I decided to do my best to kick things up a notch. You can check out the first round entries. Even if I am the first to be eliminated it was fun to play along with such a talented and creative bunch of people.
This is the first part of a multi-part story about the first guy I fell in love with. I am sharing this story because it is an integral part of my coming out story. I hope that my tale can be a comfort and encouragement for others who may be struggling with accepting their own sexuality. There are both beautiful and sad parts to the story. My teen years were an emotionally complex and very hard period of time for me. I recognize, in hindsight, that there were many unhealthy aspects to my relationship with this guy. I am a much more grounded and healthy person now. This was an amazing journey for me with many ups and downs. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My love for him was true and pure. The spark that he ignited in my hart will be with me for all time. Even if I never feel a love as great again, it is enough to know that I loved completely once.
For much of my youth I had been a loner. I did not have many friends, and I kept to myself. My family situation was very stressful due to my father’s mental illness. I felt very alone and isolated, an outsider. In my teens I became interested in computers when my family got our first system. I had a voracious appetite for technical knowledge. I quickly got into programming. I loved the feeling of power writing programs gave me. I had absolute control. If I did not know how to do something I would learn how to do it. My potential seemed unbounded. It was an exciting time for me.
In my middle teen years I became friends with a really amazing guy. We had known each other for a few years at that point. We never really got along before. In the beginning he used to tease me. I just thought that he was a dope. As we got older we left our childish interactions in the past. He was tall, athletic, and musically inclined. He had an air of masculine strength combined with an elegant graceful beauty. He seemed to be what I might imagine as the ideal man. I wished I were more like him. His family seemed to be affluent, stable, and nurturing. I wished my family were more like his. He seemed to be the wholesome All American Boy. He fit in and belonged in ways I never did. He seemed… Ideal. I knew I admired him, but I did not recognize that as a romantic attraction for him at the time. I had always tended to crush on girls. Unobtainable girls, that I was afraid to approach. In hindsight my interest in girls was more romantic and not lustful at all. I never considered that I could be gay. Read the rest of this entry »
As some of you may already know from his post, I was in Asbury Park, NJ for Pride on Sunday. So I took advantage of the opportunity to meet Enrico, from Hotel Tuesday . My day had some ups and downs, I will blog about that in a future post, but meeting Enrico was definitely one of the high points.
Enrico was very welcoming. He is just as handsome in person as he is online. He looked very dashing in his crisp blue shirt and he was a great waiter. The food was totally delicious. I’m sure he told the chef to make it extra delicious just for my friends and I.
Honestly, I was a little nervous about meeting him. I had never met anyone from Puntabuland before.
Our world is full of forces. Some, we know well from what we are taught in school, like gravity and magnetism. Then there are vastly more complex forces at work in an ocean of subatomic particles. All these forces are woven into the intricate web that is the totality of our existence. We live on a tiny spec of dust adrift in the ether of space and time. Sometimes, a conflagration of circumstances can upset these powerful forces. When two or more Puntabulandians gather together there is always a chance that a rift in time and space will open and strange things will occur.
When Enrico and I were posing for our photo something a otherworldly happened. He probably thought we were just having a picture taken, but really my digital camera was recording video. You can watch the video below (after the fold) to see what happened. Read the rest of this entry »
Sorry for the delay in posting. I hit a bit of a sticking point. I have lots to share, but I felt that I needed to get more early biographical material out there before I could write about more current happenings. I have long admired writers who can bare their soul through their writing. I am not sure if I am that brave. I am going to try to be.
My youth was a very challenging period for me. There were times when I couldn’t see my way toward a tomorrow. Part of my reason for blogging is to share my experience with others. I know there are many people out there who may be struggling in situations very much like those of my past. I want to let anyone who feels alone or is in pain know that things can get better. Sometimes I felt like I was walking through the fires of hell. I thought that death might be my only release. I survived my youth. I have lived to enjoy a rich and rewarding life. I have had exquisite moments that I would not trade for anything in all the world. I have had the chance to make great friends who profoundly enrich my life. I have also been fortunate to be able to make a positive difference in the lives of other people.
My father had been off his medication for some time. He was convinced that he needed to discover his “true identity”. His paranoia, delusions of persecution and delusions of grandeur were profound. He forbid my family from visiting any of his family. He was trying to force my sister, mother and I to change our last name to fit his delusional beliefs. He demanded that my sister and I take a paternity test to prove we were really his children. His mental instability was an extra challenge for me on top of the natural challenges of being teenager. Beyond that, I was a homophobic gay teenager. For a few years my life was a massive shit storm.
I first set my eyes upon my valentine at my local Quick Chek. It was love at first sight. I had a deep emptiness inside. I finally thought that chasmic void could be filled! We went back to my place. There was no time for pleasantries. All garb was torn asunder. What great buns! And then I…
I had been in a little bit of a funk for the past few weeks. I allowed myself to be distracted by some disappointment that I had not given myself a proper chance to recover from. I seemed more acutely aware of all my failings. It was harder for me to find the good in myself.
A few days ago an old acquaintance (O.A.) of mine from high school called me. I had not spoken to him in many years. We were never good friends, our social circles merely overlapped a little. He needed my assistance in a technical matter. We resolved the issue, and ended up having a rather nice conversation.
He works with technology, just as I do. He had recently purchased a house, just as I did not too long ago. We were commiserating on the home buying experience. We had a nice chat. He said I sounded really good. He said I was like a whole new Chris. I smiled and told him that I was a new Chris.
High school was a messy time for me. I started as a very lonely freshman with few friends. In my junior year I made some great friends, but almost immediately I panicked about losing them when we all would all go off to different colleges. While O.A. and I had some similar interests, we were never really friends. He was friends with a friend of mine, and I had been jealous of their friendship. Throughout high school I was mostly shy and introverted and did not reach out beyond my small circle of close friends.
Over the years I have truly found myself more fully. I am no longer awash in a sea of emotional trauma and drama anymore. I have since come out, made great new friends, and have an active social life. I am more confident in all aspects of my life than I have ever been before. I am a whole new Chris, hardly the same person I was in high school.
It was nice to be reminded of how far I had come by an outside perspective from my distant past. Sometimes, as we pass through life, we are distracted by setbacks and fail to appreciate the progress we have made. Don’t loose sight of the stronger person you have become today through the years of yesterdays.
I am feeling better than I did a week ago. I just needed time to let myself heal.
On Saturday evening I was visiting my mother, and we happened to watch the movie Zodiac. It was was a bit long, but I liked it. However I found it a little frustrating, but I shan’t say more, lest I give away the plot. I happened to see a brief appearance by an actor who looked a great deal like Jon Hamm (from Mad Men). I decided to look up the movie in IMDB just to confirm it was him. It turns out that it probably was not him, or he was uncredited. However I looked at Jon Hamm’s IMDB profile, and I saw that he was in a new movie called The Boy in the Box . The synopsis of that movie sounded a great deal like a movie that had profoundly effected me in my youth called Deathmask . Through the IMDB entry for the new movie I found a link to a site with information about the real event that both movies were based on. I tend not to to believe in mysticism, but I am fascinated by how improbably tenuous threads tend to tie things together. I know enough to know that I don’t know all the world’s mysteries. And so today I must write about an unknown dead boy.
I had first seen the movie Deathmask one night many years ago on PBS. It is based on the real life story of a investigator’s quest to discover the identity of a young boy whose body was found dumped in a box in an Philadelphia. The mystery so frustrated the investigator that it become a driving obsession to him. I found the theme of an innocent young victim and the struggle for not only justice, but even just an identity for the unknown boy to be very powerful. There was finally closure in the movie.
I only recently became aware of the real life story from 1957 that inspired the movies. Regrettably the closure of Deathmask was fictionalized. The driven investigator was real. He died believing that he ultimately knew the identity of the boy. However there was never enough evidence to confirm his belief, and many other theories continue to exist. To my mind there is no closure.
This world can be a hard place. It saddens me that even young children bear so much of the pain of this place. If you would like to learn more about the real life story of the boy in the box you can visit this site http://americasunknownchild.net/ . Be warned that it is a difficult story to know. The website contains a detailed description of the story, and photos of the boy. If you are of an easily disturbed disposition then it may be best to avoid the site. The case is still open. I do hope that one day we will know his name and his story and that the perpetrator(s) will be brought to justice. May he rest in peace.
Some time ago I made my first music video. I made it for a singer songwriter acquaintance of mine named Christopher James. I believe it was his first music video as well. We filmed it on the beach and boardwalk in Asbury Park, NJ. The location and theme were his idea. I just tried to create a video true to his vision. It was a lot of work. The video is only a few minutes, but we spent hours shooting. It was quite cold and windy. I brought a camera stabilizer I wanted to use, but abandoned it when I could not get it balanced correctly. I ended up mostly on the tripod with a few handheld shots. The video actually looks decent at this small size. Unfortunately in full size it is more apparent that the focus is off in most of the wide shots. It was a good learning experience. It was fun working with Christopher. I have always enjoyed working with creative people.
You can watch the video bellow. If you like the song then check out Christopher James’s website. He is a very talented singer. He has recently released a new music video. It is very impressive and looks much better than the one I made.
There was a time in my early teens when I was not comfortable being seen naked in public. I suppose I felt insecure. I never liked feeling insecure about anything. I have great respect for people who seem to be comfortable with themselves cognitively, emotionally and physically. In high school I got over many of my inhibitions. I didn’t have a problem using communal showers after a workout. I even went to a nude beach just to prove to myself that I could be comfortable in that situation. It actually felt quite liberating. I know I don’t have the best body in the world, but I am comfortable with and accept the body I have.
For years I had heard about Spencer Tunick’s photo shoots. He is famous for photographing large groups of nude people in different settings. I always wanted to participate in one of his shoots.
I heard about a Spencer Tunick shoot scheduled for March in NYC. At the time I did not know any of the details, but I jumped at the chance to sign up. The shoot was in a famous restaurant called Four Seasons. There were about 200 people, which is a small group relative to many of his recent projects. The photos were to be auctioned off to raise money for a children’s art education fund ( http://www.freeartsnyc.org/ ). In exchange for posing we would each receive an 8×10 photo signed by Tunick.
Once I arrived and signed in I waited in the grill room with the rest of the subjects. It was a very friendly and diverse group of people. I was quite impressed with the architecture and decor. It was designed by Ludwig Mies van der Rohe and Philip Johnson in 1959. Marilyn Monroe sung “Happy Birthday” to John F. Kennedy at his birthday celebration here. There are tall shimmering wires descending from the ceiling. It truly looks like a piece of installation art.
We were given a brief introduction and then asked to disrobe and move into the pool room. It was a surreal experiance. There were two hundred nude people of all different shapes and sizes. We were being serenaded by a three piece string section playing classical music. One of the largest direct print cameras in the world was being used. Of course this was a big publicity event as well, so there were camera crews from various television stations, and photographers from a number of newspapers. I felt very comfortable. Spencer Tunick was great to work with. He is a very friendly, funny and charismatic guy. It was really great to be involved in his project.
We did a number of different poses, and he and his assistant would reposition us for each shot. At one point people from outside were looking in. It must have been a huge shock for them to see a room full of nude people. The funny thing was that the clothed onlookers actually seemed more embarrassed than us naked subjects. We just smiled and waved.
It was a great experience, and I am glad that I participated in it. Interested individuals can read more about the event, and see some photos at the links bellow. Some sites have photos of nude people, so you may prefer not to visit them at work.
I am a fan of story songs, particularly when they bear a meaningful message. Today I would like to share two particularly powerful story songs with variations on a common theme.
I have been interested in psychology since my youth. I am curious about why people are as they are. It seems likely to me that we are first cut from the cloth of our genetic background. That is our foundation. Then our environment shapes us, even before we leave the womb. Every interaction that we have with the outside world has the potential to impact us in powerful ways.
This world is full of monsters. I wonder about how they came to be, and whether we could have saved them. These songs are interesting because they force us to see the world through the eyes of the perpetrator. This causes them to be disturbing. They show us a view from a different perspective than we are used to.
The first song is by Harry Chapin, a folk rock master of story songs. His music has been a great inspiration to me. His song is based on a tower sniper. I am not going to discuss the real life event that the song was (loosely) based on because it is a rather more complicated subject than I can comfortably cover in this post. Listen to the song in the video bellow. I only chose this video because the sound quality was reasonably decent. I do not intend to endorse any of the video imagery. It is a long song, almost 10 minutes.
Chapin seems to focus on a lack of early childhood affection leading the antagonist to a feeling of isolation and disconnection. The shooter never learned how to effectively interact with our world. The song explores the culmination of his frustration using the analogy of a conversation as he unleashes a brutal killing spree just to prove that he does actually exist.
The next song is by Peter Gabriel. I am also a big fan of his music. This song is about an assassin who’s impetus is a need for attention. Once again, I have chosen this video for its audio only. It actually contains a very disturbing JFK head shot. If you have a sensitivity to violence consider moving the video off screen as you listen. There is a twist at the end of the video. This video is just over four minutes long.
The theme of this song seems to be a desire for attention. An interesting aspect here is that both the victim and the sniper are where they are because they each seek attention. The end of the song is a flash back to the boy “growing up sad”.
Sometimes we make our own monsters. I don’t intend to excuse all criminal actions by scapegoating challenging childhoods. Many of us have had our own challenges, and still grow into moral adults with respect for others. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if some of this world’s violent transgressors could have had their path altered if they have been loved a little more. We aught not underestimate the power of love and the destructive vacuum of its absence.
